Over the past few months a lot of things have crossed my mind regarding my future. I moved to Florida with the mindset that I wanted to be a director, and while that's still one of my goals, I've realized that what I want more than anything is to become a filmmaker.
2008 saw me leave my home, my friends and the girl that I loved to chase after something that any sane person would call nothing more than a crap shoot. Leaving the securities of Arizona behind I came out to a place that was more foreign to me than any other. I had no clue what an f-stop, t-stop, color temperature reading, or a tungsten light for that matter looked like. I was less than a neophyte and in the process I had to look within myself and rely on those closest to me to get me through every day. And while I never knew the strain I put on them, I realize now (albeit too late) the toll that their sacrifice cost...and although that toll was too much for some to overcome, I only hope they could know that I couldn't have made it without them.
In time I hope I can repay them for their effort, their love and their belief in me. For it is that unconditional love that has helped me survive the constant insecurities and rigors of taking on something so foreign, keeping me focused and teaching me to excel in life and not just in school.
And as I write this, I look forward to a new dawn. It's been one-year and one-day since I officially made Florida my home and tomorrow brings about the first of a new series of challenges. In less than 10-hours I will know whether or not if my self belief, my talent and my dream will be a reality - in all but a small series of events.
As I sit here pondering what a year's worth of sacrifices, personal losses and professional successes has brought me, I can't help but think about the inevitable. I'll be sitting in class tomorrow thinking about my future and what it means to me. I'll be thinking about the people who got me to this point, but most of all, I'll be wondering if my decision was worth it.
I know deep within myself that I was born to make movies. Yet, as my passion springs life from my veins the reality is the nature of this fanaticism can take as much away from you as you're willing to give. And that's why I find myself lost in self-reflectance, because as I wait to hear my name called, that question will be lurking in the depths of my mind. Because after all, whether I'm meant for this is not the question - but whether it was worth it. And it all will start in a small series of events which will stand as the hallmark of my pursuit.
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