How is it that for someone who lives in the second most populous city in the nation, there can be a feeling of isolation? I don't know what it is - maybe it's isolation through claustrophobia or maybe it is a feeling of lack of belonging or maybe it's just frustration borne of a desire to be doing more than I already am...
...either way this is entirely way too frustrating and I'm starting to feel the effects of this.
This morning I woke up early, as is the norm, but I couldn't manage to pull myself out of bed until nearly 3pm. It wasn't because I was lazy - I was experiencing another excruciating series of paralyzing migraines, which for the first time since I've been here rendered me useless. It had been nearly two-years since I'd felt anything remotely close to this, but then it hit me, right now I'm extremely frustrated.
For the better part of the last two years, I had the opportunity to do something most people never get to do and chase after their dreams. While I was evolving and growing in the incubator that is Full Sail, I learned more than I ever thought I would and I realized that without a doubt this industry and this crazy ass dream is what I was meant for. This is who I am and this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. Which leads me too...
...this morning.
My frustrations are borne from the knowledge that until I evolve within the industry, I have to pay my dues and grind my gears in a near state of "industry-paralysis". That's not to say I don't love my internship - because I do. But what it means, is only working a few days a week and not on consecutive days creates difficulties for me to establish a sense of familiarity and synch-ness with my bosses. Although I have an understanding for my responsibilities and I perform them as well as I can given the circumstances - it's hard to instill that sense of competency in those for whom I work - and in turn leaves me often times feeling incompetent and searching.
Am I capable of doing more? Yes. Am I capable of performing better? Yes. Am I looking for excuses? No. But, it's the reality that until I am established in this industry I must endure a baptism of frustration in painstaking detail. And as a person who has spent the majority of their adult life not knowing who the hell they were, let alone searching for what they wanted to do, I find myself stuck in 'go' mode continually wanting to do more and immerse myself into this industry as much as possible. Which leads me to the hardest part of my day. The drive home...
...leaving work.
The most difficult part of my day is easily when 7pm rolls around. My hours are the industry standard; 9am to 7pm. And despite my desire to stay behind I am constantly reminded around 7:15 that it's time for me to leave. I love my internship, I love doing script coverage, answering phones (to a degree), but most of all I love the reminder on the walls (in the form of posters representing billions of dollars worth of B.O. that we were responsible for) that I am a part of a unique industry. One in which we flock to en masse to be entertained, polarized, inspired and pulled out from our everyday lives to be taken into someone else's where anything imaginable truly is possible. And as I make my way home, I reflect on my life.
It usually starts when I think about how much I despise going home (we currently have 8-people living there now), how I wish I could get away but can't afford to, or how I wish I had friends (like the ones I had in Arizona and Florida) so I could go over to their house or meet them for coffee. And then anger tends to consume me, because it hurts to be reminded of the fact that the people I love and care for the most, the people I have met along the way and the ones who inspire me are scattered all over, both far and away. But none here, with me…
…and then it hits me.
I am the most fortunate and lucky bastard anyone has ever met. I might be 'suffering' from not having a full-time paying job right now, but I am blessed with a family with the financial backing to aide me through this period. I might be frustrated beyond words with my current situation and inability to work more days, but everyone’s patience with me is beyond comprehension. I am often lost, narrow-sighted and ignorant of my own situation to a fault, but without fail, those closest to me remind me of the real issues that matter, the fights that are worth fighting and the real task at hand. And to a fault, I bicker with them (mostly my parents) complaining just because I lose sight of things. I lose sight of myself.
And despite feeling lonely in the second most populous city in the US, in the most crowded and cramped apartment one could imagine, things could be worse. This morning my struggles to get out of bed served as a new reminder of how rare a hand I have been dealt. And while this morning I wanted like to shout and scream at the top of my lungs for things to get better, for my life to change – I look at it now with a sense of amusement – because how does it get better? It simply doesn’t. And for that I am grateful for the love my parents give me, the sacrifices they have made for me and for the patience they have afforded me. They don’t deserve the pestering and troubles I give them, but despite myself, they do it anyways. And one day I plan to make good on my promise, and when that day comes – we’ll all look back at days like today and remember them for what they were…
…a reminder of what is to come.
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