I really don't have much to say, but I just felt like posting something because I've had a lot on my mind today. Over the past month a lot has definitely happened, and I've experienced every range of emotion you can think of. I've been trying to put things into perspective and while I know what my priorities should be - I'm having a hard time engaging in them because I don't want to concede what I know is already true.
It's like someone once told me - you can't worry about what is out of your control - but lately, that's the only thing that I've been worrying about. I'm honestly not concerned with what's in my control, because truth be told I'm that confident in myself. But, it's the very thing that I cannot control that has me in ruins, constantly engaged in a struggle with myself as to what the past year has truly meant.
Was it all just a ruse or was it real? To me it was as real as anything I've experienced...and then some - but it's the other half of that answer which tears me apart at the seams. I look back and analyze every detail I remember and see how amazing it all really was, but then I get lost thinking to myself how could something so beautiful end? How can someone who shared so much passion and love for life with me already move on so quickly, while I am left to torment in the memories of what once was? Yet, in searching for that answer - the reality kicks in that it is something that is out of my control and out of my hands...and I have to sit here and accept it for what it is.
Being alone while dealing with this is something you cannot prepare yourself for. There are friends, but no one to go to - no one to be there for me - no one to help me out. Sometimes it feels like I'm sitting in the dentist chair strapped down while I'm having oral surgery done without novocain - and as much as I want to rip off those restraints and scream at the top of my lungs, I know I can't. I won't allow myself to, not because I don't want to, but because I love that person enough to give them the freedom they deserve to move on with their life. In the end, the only thing that truly matters to me is whether they are happy or not - and I made a promise to give them everything I could to ensure that. In time I'll eventually find it too - but for now, all I can do is sit here and oblige them because those emotions and the time we spent together was real to me. I'll never know how they saw it, but while I sit here lamenting in those memories the only thing I can do is hope they felt the same way too...
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