The Mechanic. My Conscience.

Over the past week or so I've been getting a lot of work done on the Jeep. Unfortunately it's costing a little more than I originally anticipated, but more so it's also proving to be one of the best things that's happened to me in sometime. The reason I say this is because my mechanic, Alfredo, is also one of the best people I've met since I've been in Florida.

Alfredo is a simple man from Puerto Rico who started out in the USAF working as a mechanic on fighter jets before moving to Central Florida and finding work at car dealerships. However, it wasn't long after working at Ford and Lexus before he opened his own shop, mainly because he couldn't stand lying to customers and the politics involved. I know this might seem like an ample time to say, 'yeah right, but that's what all mechanics want you to thing,' until you take into account that Alfredo is also an ordained minister. He is a highly religious man and someone who takes pride in his work and satisfaction in his client relationships...which leads me to this entry.

It wasn't until today when I actually had time to talk with Alfredo personally, one-on-one. So far most of the work that's been done at the shop has been by his employee, Joswe, who has shown me first hand everything that he's been doing under the car. It's been a fascinating experience learning and understand how my car works and seeing first hand what he's talking about fixing and letting me watch from beside him as he goes about fixing the Jeep.

Anyway, back to Alfredo. Today, I brought the car back in because I was hearing something out of the ordinary from the rear differential. Since the oil got changed in it recently, I wanted to make sure that everything with it was okay. And since they weren't able to get around to me until later in the day, they couldn't open up the casing and verify for themselves. However when I was trying to explain the problem to Alfredo (while driving so he could hear) we got into talking. I guess it was more so because he is a minister and lately a lot of things have been on my mind. What ultimately started out as a bug hunt on the Jeep turned into a delve into my personal psyche that Alfredo took as an opportunity to help me understand the things that are happening in my life. And like a minister he listened to me and offered the advice that I have desperately needed to hear for sometime now.

As it turns out, I realized by my own accord that I have been so clouded by issues surrounding myself for over two-years that I failed to realize what a fool I have been and the failure to recognize my own undoing. More or less, I lost sight of what's important and compromised myself, my past failed relationships and those closest to me because I was more concerned with my perceived social status (ie relationships, future career goals et al) than understanding what the importance and fragility that those things mean and represent. More or less, I took everything (myself included) for granted, lost sight of the meaning of those things and said things that I failed to recognize despite the weight of their true meaning.

Unfortunately I now look back at myself in disgrace, disgusted. Who am I? I know what I want and where I want to be - but finding who I am is something entirely different. It's pathetic when I look at those words, because I know who I want to be, but I am not him yet. And seeing that and how I went about trying to become him is ridiculous and most of all, small. This isn't to say that Alfredo wasn't any help, contrary to that he opened my eyes and allowed me to finally see the side of me that is a trainwreck. But he also allowed me to see the error of my ways and help set me on a path to fix myself and heal from my mistakes. Mistakes that I will not make again.

I know I have hurt a few people recently and over the past couple of years. Some more than others. I know that I've said inappropriate things to people and said things that I didn't mean because I didn't comprehend the depth of those words' meaning. What I am saying is that I know what a pathetic mess I have become, but more so I now finally recognize it. I cannot say that I can change overnight, but what I can say is to those who I have hurt, to those who I have wronged. I'm sorry.

I know I have a long ways to go personally. But knowing the problem and looking at my mistakes, I know that I can change. Most of all, I know that I can become a better person. Not just for those who are in my life, but for those who are no longer a part of this journey. I owe it to myself, to everyone. I can say with certainty that I will make mistakes down the line, but I know where I can improve. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to realize it. I just hope that I can make all of you proud.