The Run: 16'46"

Running has always been a pastime that I take pleasure in. Whether it's from the chemically induced “runner’s high” or the feeling of cleansing oneself through mind numbing torture, I can’t exactly point to what it is that allows me to find the true pleasure of a run, and tonight was no different than any other. While I didn’t set out to break any records – I did find that something in me was different. I was changed.

From the start I knew something was going to be different – whether it was from Led Zepplin’s ‘Kashmir’ on the radio or the absence of traffic (a rarity in this region). Yet, as I approached my starting point there was a young couple in need of assistance. While they were struggling to push their car out of the middle of an intersection (it turns out their car had died on them) I decided to help them before I jogged off into oblivion.

I only bring this point up, not because I want to point out my efforts of self-efficacy which in turn would make this point mute by my own self-acknowledgement (less I digress some more), but because in the course of pushing their car to a safe point some 200+ meters away I had given myself something I’m not routinely accustomed to – a thorough warmup.

Soon after making sure they had a tow-truck coming, I sped off into my own little world. Almost immediately I noticed my legs were moving with an effortless fluidity I am not accustomed to as my strides quickly found an accelerated yet comfortable cadence.

As this new sensation overtook me, I started to drift and instead of watching the trail, zoned in to what I was doing, I was for once taking in the surreal surroundings of my playground. The sky had a brilliant radiance of pastel oranges, pinks and yellows accented by the calm waters of Lake Baldwin. The air was crisp, clean and clear – and as the darkness of the night began to stalk me – I pushed on through oblivious to any sensation of pain.

As I reached the half-way point, I finally felt my body begin to mock me. My legs were starting to buckle a little and while I told them to muster on with whatever energy my body could produce, I started to think to myself how much longer I would be able to keep this pace.

Yet, as my own self-doubt began to haunt me I soon found myself thinking about the rhythm of my breathing and how harmonic and in sync it was with my arms pumping, my feet churning and my shoulders relaxing. I quickly lost all sight of whatever doubt was there as I took pleasure in examining the delicate balance of what my body was doing to help push me to where I was going. That was until I reached the last half-mile.

After crossing the turn around the bend in the trail – my body began to buckle under the stress. My legs were not having anymore, my lungs were screaming in agony and my shoulders were severely pinching my neck. And as my body started to yell at me to stop, I screamed back, ‘NO’. I wasn’t going to quit. I knew I was on pace for a big number – but whatever it was I didn’t care how much it hurt. I was not raised a quitter – and no matter how much my body felt like failing I was going to push on.

And then it hit me. After spending weeks watching world-class athletes run, I found the flaw in my technique and instead of coasting to the finish, I changed my form. Within seconds there was a noticeable difference as I went from cruise to drive phase. The finish was by now in sight and with that in mind I continued to drive myself, and with every step and every pump I knew I was one step closer to getting to where I wanted to be.

And as I finally crossed that line an enormous smile crossed my face, not because of the time, not because of what I had accomplished, but instead because I had finally gotten back to where I was. I had finally found myself again. I had told myself no, and failed to allow something that was within my control push me away from where I wanted to go.

And although the cost to achieve the end result was great, the pain was only temporary, quickly replaced by the knowledge of what I had done. I was whole again. And as I took my cool down jog I was able to breath deep again, and for once realize that I was not just running…that I could do this, and that nothing can stop me except for myself.