Sirens

Siren: a seductively beautiful or charming woman, esp. one who beguiles men


Pissed off and angry at another long day seemingly felt like it was wasted – I tried to take a nap. It had been nearly 36-hours since I had last slept, and here I was trying to get my eyes shut – only to keep staring at those pictures in my mind and hearing that voice tell me the truth of my reality.

As it stands I have been living in a world of convoluted haze since the start of September. I have been longing for something that I cannot have, nor will I ever see again. Her voice is clear as I can still feel the softness of her skin, the strands of her hair and the taste of her kisses. And yet, somehow my path keeps crossing with her and the people who have summed up the whole of my romantic existence for the past 2-plus years.

It seems odd and a tad bit awkward to think of it now – because how often is it that three of your exes all are interconnected (more than once) throughout the course of a two-year period. Theoretically, none should have any connection with the other since there is no bridge between them other than me. Yet, life always seems to find that passage and create an arc allowing those people to find themselves involved with each other in some way, shape or form.

Maybe it’s because we’re all the same. Maybe we’re all lost souls looking for the same person, the same excitement or the same disillusioned ideal of a relationship. Maybe it’s those shared tendencies and such that has life bring us together - or maybe it’s something else.

Whatever it is, this time though, I’m going to spare the details – but let us say that this time the information was brought to me in a more graphic and detailed manner than I would have liked (it came from a first hand source with intimate knowledge of the relationship). All in all, it reinforces my long-standing belief that I have never gone back on a broken relationship – and as far as I can see I won’t start that trend anytime soon. Whether that person turns out to be the true love of my life or not – there are no second chances with a shattered heart and contrary to popular belief, super glue does not fix all.

What I’m getting at is it turns out there is a pattern of exes among my exes that are forging new friendships and relationships as we speak. It’s kind of like a blossoming inter-tangled web of my past relationships somehow coming together and finding itself – only I am left to relinquish in my thoughts the knowledge of everything that’s going on. I am no longer a participant the life I left behind in Phoenix, only an observer who is being rocked in the wake of the boat that carries these acquaintances along in their paths together.

Whether I care to know or not – the oral reading and verbal confirmation regarding the only one I’ve ever truly loved was more than I could really handle. At least at this time. I have the benefit of knowing Mr. Wilson is an extraordinary man who will take care of her if the relationship runs its course – which by all indications are looking so. Yet, it bothers me to know this and see it and feel it – not because of the person – but because it took her less than two months to find that missing piece in her life and move on from me.

I know that I tried my hardest to make her happy and give her everything in this world to know she was loved. I don’t know if she ever truly appreciated the things I did or the time and effort I spent on her – but I feel now, that my efforts were nothing more than a feeble attempt to bring happiness into her life.

Now as I lie here trying to sleep after nearly 40-hours of sleeplessness – I’ll try and think to the future and get some sleep. I wish I could look back on my past with a sense of happiness, but I can’t because the future’s the only thing I can find comfort in as my past continues to tear me apart.